Women can be their own worst enemies in the
workplace. Very often, women are afraid to advocate for themselves, to speak
up, negotiate, disagree, and promote themselves. Women often believe that the
workplace is a meritocracy, and that their good work and good relationship
skills will get them noticed and move them along.
Wrong. The workplace is many things, but a
meritocracy is not always one of them. Sure, good work is usually rewarded, but
good work in a vacuum is not. The people who get ahead are the people who speak
up, negotiate, advocate, and promote themselves. And women tend to fear the
very things that will help them get ahead.
Here’s how to combat the four big fears that
keep women down:
One of the
biggest mistakes women make in the workplace is softening our speech. Speech
has three components: the words we choose, our body language, and our tone of
voice. And women fear being assertive in all three.
Women have a tendency to use what we call
“weaker language.” For example, women tend to predicate what they say, as in: “I
think this is a good idea,” or “I feel that is the right way to go,” or “We
might want to consider this option.”
A more assertive speaker would say, “This is
a good idea”; “This is the right way to go”; “This is what we need to do.”
Assertive people do not predicate their language. Say what you mean, and don’t
soften or qualify it.
That said, in some situations, using assertive
language may not be the right way to go, and you may alienate people if you are
too assertive. You need to be aware of your audience and judge the level and
type of discourse. If it’s all assertive types, then be assertive. If you are
dealing with less assertive people or the situation doesn’t warrant it, back
off a little.
There are times when predicates are
absolutely appropriate, and you should soften your language, but if you soften
everything people won’t see you as a leader. And no matter the audience or
circumstance, being assertive does not mean being rude, condescending, strident,
or shrill. It means being confident, commanding, and authoritative. Tone is
very important.
One last thing: body language is big part of
speech. So stand tall, sit up straight, and sit at the table or up front where
you can be seen. Don’t slump, hide, or sit in the background. Be as assertive
with your body language as you are with your speech.
Across the board,
women still lag behind men in salaries. According to the Bureau of Labor
Statistics, women still earn just 79 percent of what their male counterparts do.
Women consultants and lawyers tend to charge less than their male counterparts.
Studies show that a $5,000 discrepancy in your first job can lead to a whopping
$200,000 difference over the lifetime of your career.
Sadly, many women have a fear of negotiating.
We just don’t do it as well as our male counterparts. Women feel guilty asking
for money, and so we take what they offer us.
This needs to stop. We must stop being shy
and learn to ask for it. Come in knowing what you are worth, knowing what your
value is to the company, knowing what you have done and are capable of doing,
and ask for the money. No one will do it for you.
Here’s a good article on negotiating from
Susan Adams at Forbes.com:
Women are very good at
forging relationships. This is incredibly valuable at work, where relationship
building is a key component of success. But too often we are reluctant to
disagree or have conflict with our colleagues and coworkers. We are afraid to
alienate people so we don’t stand up for ourselves or speak up. We are afraid
of being perceived as a bitch if we aren’t friendly and easy going with
everyone.
Conflict doesn’t have to be upsetting and disagreeing
doesn’t have to be alienating, as long as you use respectful language and leave
emotions out of it. You can be assertive without alienating people if you do it
right.
Workplace relationships need to be strong,
but they are not the same as your personal friendships. You aren’t at work to
make friends. You have to find right the balance between being a person who helps
create a harmonious workplace and being someone who is assertive and strong.
You aren’t there to love and nurture everyone; you are there to work, work well
with people, and get the job done.
Women believe that
the workplace is a meritocracy. It is not. Good work is not all it takes. If
you want to get ahead people have to know who you are, the work you have done,
your value to the company, and what you are capable of doing. You have to do a
little self-promotion. That’s what men do, and so should you.
Now self-promotion and shameless
self-promotion are two different things. Do not mistake confidence for
arrogance. There is a way to promote yourself and your accomplishments without being
obnoxious. This is critical in meetings with your boss or manager; you have to
be able to catalogue your accomplishments, ideas, and contributions.
If people
don’t know about your successes and what you are capable of you will not get
the opportunities. So start making a list of your accomplishments right now.
Keep it updated and don’t be afraid to share it. Just don’t boast or brag.
Being assertive and strong are key to
success. You have to learn to jettison your fears to get ahead. Good luck!
~~~
Watch my segment on assertiveness on ABC 7’s Washington
Business report:
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For more information on Careerstone Group
consulting, please visit my website.
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