How to Deal with Difficult Coworkers and Bosses

Difficult bosses and coworkers can make your work life miserable. I recently did a segment on News Channel 8’s News Talk with Bruce DePuyt on how to deal with them. (You can watch the segment here.)

A difficult person is someone whose behavior negatively impacts the way you do your job. Difficult coworkers and bad bosses come in all shapes and sizes, including the bully, the slacker (they do nothing), the shouter, the fraud (they pretend to be busy when they really do nothing), the hypercompetitor, the blowhard, etc.

The key to dealing with difficult people is to recognize that you cannot change how someone else behaves. The only thing you can do is manage your own behavior and learn to interact and work with them on your own terms. You want to be proactive and not reactive.

But you have to remember that what’s difficult for you may not be difficult for someone else, so you have to understand how the difficult behavior impacts you. You have to understand your own triggers and how the behavior impacts you so you can find ways to manage it.

When you have a difficult person you only have three choices: Confront, cope, or quit.

1. You can confront the behavior. You want to confront the behavior and not the person. Be very clear to separate the person from the behavior, and be very clear about what you want. Confronting requires a difficult conversation in which you discuss the behavior and not the intention behind it. You want to discuss how the behavior has impacted you and/or your team and request something different. Here’s a sample for someone who takes credit for a team project:

"Sally, I understand that it is important for you to be recognized for your work, and it's important for us too. When you take solo credit for the team’s efforts it impacts us negatively. It’s demoralizing and we feel we are not being recognized properly. We’d prefer if you mentioned us too when you talk about our team’s successes."

Also, remember that there is strength in numbers. If other people feel the same way you do then bring them with you. Just don’t gang up on someone or back them into a corner. Be polite.

2. You can learn to cope with the person and the behavior. This is the "just deal with it" choice. Don’t take the behavior personally. Try to deflect it, ignore it, and find ways to operate around that it: Coping mechanisms include:

• Avoiding the person as much as possible.
• Keeping conversations and interactions short.
• Sticking to a certain time limit or mandating limits on meetings or projects.
• Working remotely or electronically.
• Asking to be placed on someone else's team.

3. You can quit and walk away. Unless you have to, simply stop engaging with the person. Don’t interact with them at all. Just walk away. Quit the job if you have to.

Now, when the difficult person is your boss it’s considerably harder. You can always quit your job, but that’s not a good option for most people. Sadly, your options are limited.

Remember that it’s not about you, it’s about them, so find ways to work around or with them. If your boss is a bully, find ways to confront that. Self-promote like crazy. Be vocal about your accomplishments and what you can do.

Bosses and managers are the number one reason people stay or leave a job, and the number two reason is office climate. The way people behave and interact with each other on the job is critical. Just remember that you can’t change the way difficult people behave. You can only change how you deal with them. Good luck.

For more on dealing with difficult people, please see:

The Boss from Hell: How to Deal with Bad Bosses

Coworkers from Hell: How to Deal with Difficult Coworkers

Bad apples: Six strategies to deal with nightmare co-workers

Every company has at least one bad apple. These are the people who don't respect the organization or their coworkers, are negative, don't carry their own weight, or sabotage the work of others.

A bad apple is like a bad virus -- their attitude can affect morale, trust, and productivity. If not addressed, people can quickly become resentful, jaded, and unproductive. So, how do you deal with these people? If the bad apple is a co-worker, try these six strategies:

1. Avoidance. Try not to interact with this person any more than necessary.

2. Humor. Try to look at this person as funny/absurd. Not the most gracious approach, but sometimes if you can find the humor and the innocence in a situation, it can help you get through it (sexual harassment, of course, is not funny).

3. Consider the political landscape. Is this person really connected? If so, the reality is that you may have to work a bit harder to find a way to deal with this person.

4. Empathy. Most jerks are jerks because there is something deficient about them. Try to find that part of you that would befriend something that is wounded. Try to find some glimmer of humanity. Think Michael Scott from “The Office” -- quite possibly the most lovable office jerk of all time.

5. Try to help. Peers and co-workers can play a big role in turning the bad apple around. If the bad apple is a peer, and you feel comfortable doing so, find a way to address the problem tactfully but directly. Explain what you see him doing and your concerns about it. Express that you want to see him succeed but that you are afraid his current behavior may not be the best way to reach his goals.

6. Send it up the chain. If you have the difficult conversation and you continue to see the ill effects of this behavior, then you must send it up the chain. If you’re a manager or supervisor and one or more of your employees comes to you with complaints or feedback about a troublesome employee, and you know with certainty that the complaint is valid, you must take action immediately. There are five steps to take:

Step 1: Confront the person directly. Tell the person exactly what your concerns are with his behavior. Cite examples. Do not make it personal or single out who complained. Don’t say, “Carol complained about you.” Make sure you do your homework and use “I” or “We" statements.  Say: "I am not happy with the way you are treating your co-workers."

Step 2: Describe the impact of the behavior. Use specifics: “When you call your co-workers white trash losers you destroy our teamwork and morale,” or “When you don’t do your weekly reports it adds more work for the rest of your team.”

Step 3: State the change you want to see. Again be specific. Link to corporate values. “I need you to stop that behavior immediately. You must never denigrate a co-worker again.”

Step 4: Be explicit about the ramifications. And don't hedge: “If you continue with this behavior, you will be terminated. This is your one warning.”

Step 5: Follow up. If the behavior is modified then make sure you acknowledge it. Remember, you get what you reward. If the behavior doesn’t change, then you must terminate.

A note about termination: When you get rid of a bad apple use it as an opportunity to teach and reinforce your corporate value system to the rest of your employees. Jack Welch said if you terminate someone for not exhibiting corporate values then you should make that explicit when you speak of the termination. Don’t soft-pedal it by saying, “Carol wanted to spend time with her family.” Instead, say, “Carol was asked to leave because she was unable to be a good team player.”